


Become Juan with me

by Tramsrouy



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: America, Angst, Comedy, Crack, Forbidden Love, M/M, Mexico, Offensive, Racism, falls in love in spanish, gerita cameo, meaningful, really heartfelt, rednecks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-02-01 06:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12699126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tramsrouy/pseuds/Tramsrouy
Summary: Alfred F. Jones is just a typical American redneck, until one day he falls in love with a Mexican immigrant named Jesus that ran into his backyard.WARNING: This fan-fiction pokes fun at stereotypes, mainly of Americans. Do not read if you get triggered easily.





	1. Immigrant

**Author's Note:**

> Warning:  
> This fan-fiction is not politically correct, and is pretty racist.  
> If you get upset by stereotypes easily, I advise you not to read this.  
> Thank you, and I hope you enjoy.

Alfred gazed upon the bright horizon, taking in the view of the southern United State desert. Turning off his tractor, he had finally arrived back at his shack returning from church. 

“That was such a great church session. It’s almost as if the priests could of actually read the bible!” Alfred exclaimed, praying that one day the middle-aged men may become literate.

He ran up towards his house, and quickly open the door, shutting it behind him. It was especially hot today, and he didn’t really want to make his sunburned skin even worse. He set down his keys on the table next to him, and decided to spend the day sitting on his front porch drinking beer. Just as he was heading out the door, he noticed a flash of movement from the corner of his eye. Dropping the beer he grabbed, he followed the blur out the back door.

“What are you doing in my swamp?” Alfred hollered at the man climbing over his back fence. He narrowed his eyes at the him, carefully studying his features until he came to a conclusion. 

Now, Alfred lived in the very south of America. He lived only a few miles away from the Mexican border. Not to mention, this man did not look exactly like he did! He had tanned skin, and eyes that were a normal distance apart from each other!  
“You must be.. An immigrant.” He glared at the stranger with deep hatred.   
The Mexican started to turn around, until Alfred grabbed his shoulder.  
“What is your name.” He shouted into his ear.  
The man faced him and held his hands above his head in resignation.   
“No puedo hablar ingles,” he stated, as the author pulled up google translate shamelessly.

Oh right. Not everybody speaks English. It’s such a great language, though, everyone should, Alfred thought, and ran to his house to find a piece of paper and a pen for the man to write his name on. 

When he ran back, he was glad to see that the Mexican had not left. He shoved the paper into his hands, and pointed towards the pen. The man understood immediately, and started to write his name on the paper. When he finished, he gave the paper back to Alfred.

Alfred could hardly believe his eyes. There on the paper, the man had written that his name was…

 

Jesus.


	2. 20 % off of Cheese-us Christ only at Walmart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred takes his new friend to meet his buddy Cletus.

“You are.. Jesus.. You have returned!” Alfred hugged the man tightly.  
Confused, but flattered, Jesus patted him on the head.   
“I heard from my brother that Jesus was Jewish, so it must be true!” He cried, having actually never seen a Jewish person before. Mexicans were Jewish, right?  
“Qué ocurre,” spoke the man, interrupting his thoughts.  
“I don’t speak any Jewish, but that’s okay, I can teach you English.” Alfred dragged the man into his house. “It’s nicer inside, trust me,” he smiled.  
Maybe if he taught Jesus English, Jesus could teach Alfred how to write! That would be nice. And he could teach the priests as well. Of course he would have to bring him to church, he’s the son of the great Lord, after all.   
“Okay, Jesus, welcome to my house! My name is Alfred!” he pointed towards himself.  
“Hola, Alfred.”   
“Wow, you know Hawaiian too? That’s really neat dude.”   
Jesus grinned at his newfound friend. He hardly understood a word he was saying, but decided it was probably positive since the redneck was smiling and laughing a lot.  
“Are you hungry? I have some beans.” of course, in the south, the only food available was beans, beer and any roadkill Pa brought home. Alfred raced to the Ice-box-cold-thingy that his brother called a “fridge” and pulled out a can of beans.   
“You look confused… Don’t they have food in Mexico?”  
And Jesus was confused. Not because he didn’t have beans before, or that he didn’t know what food was, but because Alfred had been keeping beans in a refrigerator. They’re in a can, you don’t need to keep it cold. Fkn faggot  
“Here, eat this, Jesus.” He gave the man a can of beans and a rusty spoon. He was starving, so he ate it.   
“Gracias,”  
“No problem, now can you come with me to Walmart? I need to show Cletus that I am a better Christian than he is.” The Mexican accepted this, having no idea what he was saying.  
“Awesome. We’ll have to walk though, my tractor has only one seat. And my brother, Matthew, says it’s a bad idea to tape a second seat onto it.” Alfred thought this through for a second. “What am I saying? He’s Canadian, they ride polar bears. Anywho, I don’t have a seat to tape on. Let’s just walk.”  
\-------------------------------------------

“So, Jesus, do you think heaven is nice?” Alfred kicked the dirt path while he walked.   
“usted maricón yo no hablo inglés-”   
“Yeah, that’s nice, dude. Wanna learn some English words now? I think it would be useful, ‘cause we gotta talk together and be best friends and all.”   
Jesus sighed and listened to Alfred point at objects and name them. He repeated these a few times, until he was confident he had learned them. At the end of the trip, he knew a couple phrases.   
“So, here it is. Walmart. Place of dreams. HeY CLETUS! LOOK WHO I FOUND!” A bald man with no teeth stood up at his name, and went over to meet him.   
“An immigrant?” The man yelled, startling poor Jesus.  
“Nah, dude, this is Jesus,” Alfred gleamed back at him, “I’ve been teaching him English, so, he can talk to you and prove it.”  
“Yeah sure. Who are you kid.”  
“Jesus”  
“Man, Jewish people talk with funny accents. Do they pronounce it “Hey-Zeus” in Jewland?”  
“Jewland isn’t a country. It’s Iran you dumbass,” Alfred corrected.  
“De acuerdo, ni siquiera puedo hablar inglés y sé que estás equivocado,” Jesus spoke up. Cletus stared at him with suspicion.  
“Okay, I don’t believe you. That sounds like an immigrant to me. Prove he knows some English.”  
“Jesus, name the things I point at, okay?” The Mexican nodded.  
Alfred pointed at a mailbox, “Mail,”  
He pointed at grass, “Grass,”  
He pointed at a church, “God,”  
He pointed at Cletus, “Faggot,”  
“Jesus! I told you to say that to gay people! This man has a wife!” He pointed to the woman.  
“Man.” Jesus said proudly.  
“WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?” Cletus roared, his face a deep red.  
“Cletus, I’m so sorry, he must have learned wro-”  
“THAT MAN IS AN IMMIGRANT, JONES. I’M GIVING YOU FIVE SECONDS TO RETURN THAT THING TO MEXICO BEFORE I CALL THE COPS.”  
“He is not a thing, how dare you-” Alfred started before Cletus whipped out a phone and started to dial the sheriff.   
“We’re running now, Jesus!!1!!1!,” He grabbed his friend’s hand and started to sprint away from the glowing lights of the police tractors.


	3. Jesus, Take the Wheel!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jesus and Alfred run from authority, fucking commies.

Alfred scanned the view for an escape. The sirens of the police were approaching, growing louder and louder.   
“Al! Tractor.” Jesus tugged on his sleeve, pointing to the parking lot.   
“Of course! Thanks, buddy.” he grabbed the Mexican and sprinted towards a tractor with two seats. Fancy.   
“WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO HOTWIRE THE-oh wait no, they left the keys inside. Why would they do that, it looks like a very nice mode-”  
“VAMONOS” Jesus turned the key and stomped the pedal under Alfred’s foot, launching them across the lot at an astounding 5 mph. Jesus reached deep into his Mexican ancestry, and summoned his LEGENDARY TAXI CAB DRIVING SKILLS, to push the tractor to the supersonic 6 mph! Alfred reached deep down into his pocket, and summoned a double barrel shotgun which he keep for emergencies and surprise immigrants who were not named Jesus, and started spraying down the police.   
“2ND AMMENDMENT, BITCHES,” He hollered, shooting up the officers tailing him, causing a few to swerve off the road. Three of the pigs were still close behind.  
“Gas,” Jesus pointed to a convenience station.  
“Genius,” Alfred pointed at Jesus, and aimed his gun at a cop’s tractor’s wheels. He shot, and the cop flew directly into a propane tank, exploding and incinerating the remaining trackers.   
“Get that damn immigrant out of my country!” a voice boomed behind them, just as they thought they had fled the authority; it was Cletus and his wife. He drove a pickup truck, heavily rusted, but still far superior to the modest tractor. Jesus gasped in fear.   
“It’s okay, mimigo,” Alfred drawled, horribly mispronouncing the Jewish and making the poor Mexican cringe, “I got this.”   
He shot at the truck, knocking Cletus’s “wife’s” wig clean off. It was another middle aged bald man. Alfred recognized him as Gus, Cletus’s brother.  
He turned towards Jesus, “Oh jeez, you were right all along. Sorry I ever doubted you-”  
Gus interrupted Alfred’s apology and latched onto the side of the tractor. Jesus frantically tried to shake him off, but to no avail.  
Alfred brought the shotgun to Gus’s face, “Begone, THOT!” and shot the redneck down under Cletus’s wheels, driving him off the road and into another conveniently placed gas station.  
Jesus pointed at the explosion, “Faggot.”  
Alfred gaped at the Mexican. “In, America, Jesus, we don’t do that.” Jesus turned to his friend with sorry eyes.  
“We look away from explosions.”

And they rode off into the sunset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short. Chapter four will be longer, I promise!  
> And, just to be clear, the story is faaaaaaaar from over. ;)  
> Stay woke, my dudes


	4. Europeans are gay and so is your mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jesus and Alfred prepare for christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof I've been gone sorry my fellas.  
> Enjoy this

“Does the police still want us?” Jesus looked up from his English book, staring at Alfred.  
“No, that would be terribly inconvenient to the plot. How’s the english coming, bud?”  
Jesus flipped threw a few pages, “Good,” He read, proudly.  
“Yeah, I can tell. You couldn’t’ve understood my question otherwise.” Alfred gleamed, beaming down at the man smiling back at him.  
“So, we should celebrate Christmas, huh? Since you are the son of God, we should have a really great party and shit.”  
“Si” Jesus responded having no clue what Alfred just said.  
“I would invite my brother, but he’s a liberal. And I would invite my dads but left them because they are some fucking hoes.”  
“Ahhhh.” Jesus nodded. He too left his family, because they were hoes. They wanted him to become a gardener, but he wanted to choose his own life path as a taxi driver. I guess that tractor race kind of proved himself worthy.  
“Parents.. Faggot?” the immigrant tilted his head. The redneck didn’t realize that his dads were gay until that moment, and had a midlife crisy™.  
“Well they’re european, so no homo,” Alfred ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ ‘ ed. Everyone knows that 2 men married are either gay or european. A european cannot be gay, because all europeans like men, it is in their blood.  
“That make sense.” Jesus nodded in broken english. He never met a European before, but his mom always complained about the spanish being gay so it probably wasn’t too far from the truth.  
“So are you european?”  
“Yeh I guess so.”  
“So you like dudes no homo?”  
“Eyy Jesus that’s getting too basic for this fic, we gotta keep it dank.” Alfred dabbed.  
“Oh, yes, sorry” Jesus dabbed back.  
They spent the next five hours trying to cut down a tree from their neighbors yard, and discussed important political powers, like the chemicals in the water turning the friggin’ frogs european. They didn’t care that it wasn’t their tree, because next to them lived to other men living together, but they too were european so the europeaness canceled out all sins as spoken in prob the bible.  
“MAMA MIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY TREE YOU FAGS” The neighbor screamed at them.  
“lol its okay man you’re european right” Alfred yelled.  
“THATA HASA NOTHINGA TO DO WITH THISA! GIMME BACKA MY TREEA!!1!1!”  
Jesus tried to place back the tree but Alfred snatched it out of his hands. This was his tree now and this italian man will have to fight him for it.  
“Let’s fight for this tree then mate.”  
“Ima nota gooda at fighting. Cana my husbanda fight for me?”  
“Yeah sure.” Was the last thing Alfred said before getting knocked out by a muscular german man.  
“Fuvk he aint ded feli”  
“Trya againa”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hossspitttalll rooooomm yyeeeeeeeeeeet yyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post more ahhhh. I didn't forget, I promise !!1!!!

"I can see... the light... God? Is that you?" Alfred blinked slowly, reaching up at the shadowy figure above his head.  
"No, it's Jesus."  
"Well, at least I went to heaven." He sighed, before being bitchslapped by the figure.  
"STAY WITH ME ALFRED, DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT"  
Alfred snapped awake after hearing this. Jesus spoke really good English there and they had to go out to eat some beans to celebrate this moment. However, he was in a bright room with machinery all around him and tubes sticking into his arm.  
"Am I... In the government? Is this where the lizards live?" He shuttered, looking around for any politicians. "Where did I put my gun?"  
"About that..." Jesus went a little quiet, "Neighbors, Felicano and Ludwig came to apologize. They took guns." The man pointed to a pile near the window, then to the men in the back of the room.  
"Oh, that's okay. Lemme just.." Alfred ripped out the tubes in his arm and sat up. The Italian man rushed forward to help put them back.  
“Ima really sorry abouta that, Alfred. I didn't thinka Lud could put you ina hostipal”  
“It’s okay, dude. I know trees mean a lot to gay people,” Ludwig shot him a death glare, “Sorry, I mean europeans.”  
“Vat does that even mean? Plus, you have a boyfriend too.”  
“This is our savior, mind you. I’m not dating anybody, so ha you fag.”  
“VHY ARE YOU CALLING ME A-”  
“Luddy, calma down. Itsa redneck. Don’ta expect much, you wanted to move to Texas.”  
“I said I wanted to move to Berlin but we conveniently moved here to be in this fic.” The german grumbled.  
“So, you guys wanna go eat some beans at the shack?” Alfred grinned. Jesus nodded his head, and Feliciano jumped up and down excitedly. Ludwig muttered something about how the last chapter was written in November, which Alfred took as a yes.  
“Tractor has uno seat”, Jesus cried, shaking the rednecks shoulders.  
“Ve can go in our car,” Ludwig spoke smoothly, “It’s actually a car.”  
“We weren’ta tolda everybody drova tractors here.”  
“What the fuck is a car? Oh well, let’s go.” Alfred was very uneducated, you see. The only schools in Texas were for liberals, and he was not a liberal. LiBerTaRdS were commies who wanted EqUaLiTy which was frowned upon in the south.  
“I call shotgun” Jesus cheered.  
“If we’re going caroling you’re gunna need more than just a simple shotgun, Jes,” The American could not believe his friend’s ignorance, “Any Injun could appear and-”  
“NO GUNS!” Ludwig gasped.  
“And why not? It's in the Declaration of Indie-Pants, mind you.”  
“I meant passenger seat idiota,” The jew dropkicked a gun out of the hospital window. It was pretty fun to do, actually, so he kicked some more of the firearms outside. There was a large, unprotected pile of them near the windowsill, after all. Alfred stumbled out of his bed to try to stop him before all of his weapons were gone, “JESUS STOP IT!

The tan man threw some more before setting his eyes on a vintage looking rifle on the mantle. He picked it up swiftly and examined it carefully. It was a dark bronze shade, and the barrel was made of a fine brass. It was soft to the touch, and light in his hands. The slender gun looked too fragile to fire bullets, so perhaps it was an heirloom.  
“This bitch empty. yeET!” Jesus yoted the rifle out of the window. It shattered into several shards.  
Alfred’s face fell for a moment and the room was silent.   
“Jesus… Maybe that was importanta to Alfred’a?” Feliciano broke the silence after a few seconds of stillness.  
“Vhat ever. It vas a gun, he has no need for it anyvay.” Ludwig scoffed as his husband shot deadly at him.  
“It’s okay.. it was an antique from the revolution.. but Jesus is all about forgiveness, right? So let’s just buy a new gun together!” Alfred cheered, squeezing Jesus into a hug.  
“Estoy esperando hasta el matrimonio!” The man protested, eventually giving up and hugging his friend back.   
“TO THE TRACTOR! Err,, I mean c-carr?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I combined this chapter with one I made during Christmas time but never used, so the spanish might not make sense. yolo m8


End file.
